Calm Is a Skill: Teaching Regulation Before It’s Needed

Stephanie Barger
4 days ago
7 min read

black puppy lying under a white chair looking at the camera — Faileas recovering from a play date

By: Stephanie Barger, CSAT, CBCC-KA, CPDT-KA

Let’s Talk About Calm

When you hear the word calm, you probably picture a dog lying quietly, doing nothing, and staying out of the way. That picture feels simple and comforting.

It also misses the point.

Calm shows up as something your dog learns, not something that magically appears. You help build it every day through pacing, timing, and the way you respond to big feelings.

I’m Learning Dog Calming Methods Again, First Hand

Oh, the sweet, chaotic mess of a new puppy (mine!). She’s a black Australian Labradoodle, and I've given her the gloriously evocative name Faileas Foise—it means "Shadow of Tranquility" in Scots Gaelic. Oh, the irony!

As I write this, I am revisiting the art of canine composure through a wet-nosed, zoomie-filled pup who’s offering me continuing education. Lessons of calm unfold daily as I raise a whirlwind of pure, unedited emotion.

Curiosity, then giddy excitement, then a sudden, dramatic spike of frustration, and then bam—she's curled up into a furry comma. Sometimes, the scenario plays out in a single hour. And living with her, watching this tiny being navigate her world, has become my daily spiritual seminar. It's the most exquisite reminder: calm is not something you force with a gritted jaw and a sharp word. Calm grows gently, nurtured by support, watered by noticing, and never—oh, never—shoved into being by pressure. It is a noticing, a tender, slow-motion observation of the small, unfolding miracle of peace.

What Calm Really Looks Like

Calm doesn’t mean a dog has to be silent or completely still. A calm dog can move around, sniff things, wag their tail, or explore their surroundings without being overwhelmed. Calm is more about a dog’s ability to pause, recover, and return to a balanced state of mind.

For example, imagine a dog going on a walk and calmly stopping to sniff a tree—curious but not overstimulated. Or picture a dog lying on their bed after playtime, resting peacefully and relaxed.

On the other hand, some dogs might seem calm at first glance but are actually stressed. They might freeze, shut down, or mentally “check out” because they feel overwhelmed.

For example, a dog sitting perfectly still and avoiding eye contact might be scared or unsure. This kind of quiet isn’t peaceful; it’s full of tension.

Real calm is when a dog feels regulated and balanced. It’s when they can recover from excitement or stress and return to a state of ease, whether they’re sniffing outside, playing gently, or curling up for a nap, a truly calm dog feels safe and emotionally stable.

Why Regulation Comes First

Your dog’s nervous system is the engine of their existence. It dictates how a dog learns, behaves, and recovers. When a calm system is in balance, a dog adapts to the world with ease. But when a dog becomes overtaxed, even the simplest task becomes a struggle.

The point is not to reason with an exploding dog. Expecting calm after an emotional outburst is a losing game. Crossing a threshold causes biology to take over, and logic goes out the window. If you want results, you have to provide support before the meltdown begins. It's not about discipline; it's about timing.

For instance, consider a dog that is fearful of strangers. If you force your dog into a crowded park, your pup’s nervous system goes into overdrive. By the time your dog starts barking and lunging, it's already past the breaking point. The time to help was before you even entered the park, perhaps by practicing from a safe distance or creating positive associations with seeing one stranger at a time. This approach works with the dog's biology, not against it, building resilience instead of reinforcing fear.

Waiting Makes It Harder

Think about how we teach manners to a child. You don't wait until their high school graduation to introduce "please" and "thank you." Instead, you start when they're a toddler, making it a natural part of their daily life.

The same principle applies to our pets. It’s common for many pet parents to wait until a dog’s behavior feels overwhelming before reaching out for help, but when it comes to teaching calm, the earlier, the better.

While it’s never too late to teach a dog calmness, I love it when people reach out to me as soon as possible so I can help them build a foundation of emotional regulation while the sun is still shining! By investing in skill-building early, you're cultivating a deep, intuitive bond that softens the impact of future challenges.

Life will always bring bumps and unexpected turns, but when you’ve done the gentle work ahead of time, everything feels less like a struggle and more like shared communication.You deserve a relationship where challenges are manageable, and your dog deserves the confidence that comes from a steady, prepared guardian. Let’s make the path ahead a little softer for both of you.

What My Puppy Is Teaching Me About Calm

Life with a new puppy is a tender, delicate dance of care and connection. I center her days around rest and recovery, creating space for her blossoming mind and body to find peace amid all the newness.

Her world is full of planned naps and quiet moments, where she can be safe and unhurried. Outings and social time are gentle and brief, giving her the chance to reset and grow at her own pace. I watch her closely, tuning in to her rhythms and noticing subtle shifts like when her energy spikes or her patience wanes. And before she feels overwhelmed, I guide her softly back to stillness. This, I’ve learned, is the tender art of loving a little soul, and in doing so, I’m learning to be gentler with my own.

After stimulating moments, Faileas Foise’s world slows down on purpose. She naps, sniffs in the yard, enjoys quiet companionship, or settles in for gentle brushing and cuddles. Recovery matters as much as exposure. By letting her move forward at her own rhythm, I support emotional growth rather than quick fixes.

Even though I recommend teaching calmness as early as possible, the examples I give here apply to every age:

Using Calming Skills With Adult Dogs

This same approach works for adult dogs, though many pet parents miss the opportunity to practice rest and recovery with them. It's easy to fill a dog's day with activity due to busy schedules and well-meaning expectations. However, when you slow the pace, honor their limits, and create space between stressors, you'll often see positive changes. Progress comes from intention and timing, not just from doing more.

The Role of Your Environment

Your dog’s happiness starts at home! If your house is noisy, chaotic, or cluttered, your pup might be feeling anxious and stressed. The good news? Small changes can make a big difference. Stick to a steady routine and create a cozy, quiet spot where they can unwind. When your dog knows the drill and has a peaceful place to chill, they can ditch the stress and enjoy life to the fullest. And isn’t that true for us all?

For example, try feeding your dog and taking them for a walk at roughly the same time every day. You could also set up a cozy crate or a soft bed in a corner of the laundry room where no one will bother them. Having a "quiet zone" and a predictable routine helps your dog feel safe, even when the rest of the day gets busy.

Progress Over Perfection

Success isn’t about appearances—it’s about progress. Take a puppy, for example. A puppy that barks at a visitor but settles down quickly is making more progress than one that stays quiet but anxious. Growth is about recovery and adaptation. Success is how well they learn to settle and manage their emotions.

Little Finn the Golden Retriever puppy was a whirlwind of clumsy paws and uncontrolled joy. He failed his first "Stay" cue, leaping up to chase a butterfly. His owner, Maya, didn't scold him. Instead, she asked him to try again. The second time, he lasted a mere three seconds before wiggling. But when Maya praised him with a calm, "Good boy,” and a small treat, Finn settled on the mat beside her with a sigh, his tiny chest rising and falling evenly. That quiet moment, the choice to rest instead of fret over the failure, was the real win. He wasn't perfect, but he had recovered his calm.

When Calm Skills Need Support

Many common behavioral struggles stem from unmet regulatory needs. These behaviors share information. They point to stress, confusion, or overload. Curiosity opens the door to change. You ask what your dog experiences and how the environment feels. That mindset builds trust and clarity.

Calm as an Act of Care, Starting Now

Calm grows through shared practice over time. You slow down, notice small shifts, and trust steady support. Teaching calm early or returning to it later builds safety, trust, and long-term well-being for both of you.

About Stephanie Barger, Canine Zen

Stephanie Barger helps dog guardians navigate separation anxiety, reactivity, and other behavior challenges through science-based, fear-free training. She works virtually with clients nationwide, offering personalized support that recognizes both the emotional complexity of dogs and the very real challenges guardians face.

At the core of Stephanie’s work is the belief that behavior is communication. Rather than focusing on surface-level behaviors alone, she helps guardians understand the underlying emotional states driving their dog’s responses. This approach allows for meaningful, lasting change—especially for dogs struggling with fear, anxiety, or difficulty coping with everyday life.

Stephanie’s training emphasizes empathy, clarity, and collaboration. She supports guardians in building practical skills while also deepening their understanding of their dog as an individual. Her work is rooted in the idea that when dogs feel safer and guardians feel more confident, calmer homes naturally follow.

Feel free to contact Stephanie if you want to transform your relationship with your dog and create a more harmonious home. You can also ask questions in the comment box below.

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Stephanie’s Certifications/Organizational Affiliations:

Certified Separation Anxiety Trainer (CSAT)

Certified Behavior Consultant (CBCC-KA)

Certificate of Completion-Aggression in Dogs Master Class